Delicate Matter.

Gentlemen:

We have an ongoing problem in the men's room that needs to be addressed. C**** has put up a sign in the restrooms advising us to use the exhaust fan and the air freshner when it is needed. However, one delicate subject wasn't brought up. There have been almost daily occurences of the contents of the toilet bowl being splashed back up onto the toilet seat, the toilet rim, and the top of the bowl. While it may not be apparent as it is happeneing, it becomes very apparent when the seat is lifted by the next person who then discovers the mess that has been left. It is not only unsightly and nauseating, but also unhealthy. It isn't fair to the next person in to have to take it upon himself to clean up after whomever has left the mess; no one would want to have to take on such an unsanitary task. Therefore, starting on Monday, the mens room will be stocked with flushable wipes that should be used to clean the seat/rim/underside of the seat as needed.This means that after using the toilet, please lift the seat and examine the area for unsightly residue or backsplash and use the flushable wipes if needed. We all have to share this mens room and we all have to share in the upkeep of its cleanliness and sanitation.

Thanks.R***

Tell it to your shrink!

Dear Over-share,

We work together. Get it? The same company employs us. We walk on the same piece of carpet every day. This is where our relationship ends. We’ve never had a beer together. We’ve never seen a movie, gone to happy hour, spent any amount of time together beyond our 9-5 workday. So why do you feel the need to share the most intimate details of your life with me?

Do I need you to stop by my office and ask me if I ever deal with a “discharge”, complete with description of consistency and color, punctuated with hand motions? No! Do I need to hear about how sweaty you get “down there” when you wear skirts on hot days? No!

Do I need to know how your ex-boyfriend rates you on a scale of 1-10 for your sexual prowess? No! Am I at all interested that he thinks your BJ technique needs some work, especially when you follow it up with an explicit description of your current method? No!

Please stop. For a while we, your coworkers, contented ourselves with emailing each other Over-share stories. Then we emailed friends outside the workplace and told Over-share moments at parties. But now we just feel gross. And we’re starting to resent you.

Sincerely,
Fed Up Co-Worker

Forgive me father, for I have sinned...

All Staff,

You are all aware of the problem of yesterday afternoon in the stairwell to the parking lot. We believe this was the doing of a tresspasser. However, if an employee is responsible for this act, please seek employment elsewhere.

Human Resources

Good communication skills? Priceless.

I'd like to thank whoever used the microwave after Carla left on Friday - or perhaps it was over the weekend - and whatever you were microwaving exploded inside the microwave. It was really thoughtful of you to leave all the mess in the microwave so that I could have the pleasure of cleaning it up when I arrived this morning.

Busted!

Subject: Polar Packs

Not long ago we had about 8 or 9 "polar packs" (re-freezable ice packs) in the freezer of the large refrigerator. Now there are three. If you removed them from the freezer, please return them.
Thanks.

Fork you.

Our plastic spoons are disappearing at an alarming rate - far faster than the forks and knives. Obviously, if you are using the spoons for eating, please continue. But if you're using the spoons just to stir your coffee/tea/other beverage, try using the stir stix. That's what they're there for.
(You know, if you put your sweetener into the cup first and then add your beverage, the force of the liquid will stir the sweetener in and you don't need to use anything.)

Company Policy

Everyone,

We would like to remind everyone AGAIN that Acme, Inc. is not a gossip venue. Please maintain a professional working environment and focus mainly on the job. Let us all concentrate on the task at hand and avoid gossiping or making fun of other people that are offensive.
Please do not discuss other people’s privacy to anyone. This could be considered gossiping. And also, please be careful with what you say in front of others because you may be offending someone without you knowing it. Please be sensitive to other people’s feelings.
Please always do abide by company policy to avoid any circumstances that may lead to disciplinary action.

Human Resources

She's gonna blow!

I see that someone has set up a large coffee urn in the small kitchen. This is a very bad idea. The reason we removed the coffee maker from that kitchen was because when it was plugged into the same plug as the Soda Machine (and there is only one plug in that kitchen), it blew the fuses (i.e., caused the breaker switches to turn off) in that area and knocked out the power in the kitchen, the nearby offices, and some spots in the west area of the office.

Please remove the coffee urn from the small kitchen. If you can't do without it, then please set it up in someone's office. It CANNOT be left in the kitchen to pull electricity from the same plug as the soda machine.
Thanks very much.

Quit yer cussin', por favor!

Everyone,

Let us all maintain professionalism when we are at office premises. Use of abusive or vulgar languange is definitely prohibited. So let us restrict the use of some languages that can be offensive to another. Profanity is one thing that we don't practice here. So let us act as professionals to have a harmonious working environment.

Thank you all for your cooperation.

Human Resources

So thirsty...

Dear All,

Please get water from the warehouse for now until we get a new dispenser. This time it doesn't involve any "insect issue". I think there is a crack in the dispenser that caused the water to leak. Fyi.

Human Resources

Lost Lunch

Everyone,

A memo was posted already in the breakroom advising everyone not to steal other people's food. Unfortunately, someone lost his lunch today. This is absolutely intolerant.
PLEASE DO NOT TAKE OTHER PEOPLE'S FOOD and be ashamed of yourself for doing this. A disciplinary action will be given right away if you were caught.

Also, please be reminded that the janitors are scheduled to clean the refrigerator every other Friday beginning April 10th. So please don't forget to bring home your leftovers in the refrigerator or it will be thrown away.

Human Resources

Cleanliness is next to nastiness.

Everyone,

One of the cubicles in the restroom looks very nasty. Someone threw the tampons inside the toilet and didn't even flush it! To the person that did this, please don't practice what you do at home when you are at work. As I always say, please be considerate for the next person who you know will use the toilet. Cleanliness is a good trait. Let's all practice this.

Human Resources

Roaches may have to buy their own joe.

Dear All,

For those who drink coffee, please make sure that everyone take turns cleaning the coffee pot because it is attracting more and more roaches. But if no one can maintain it, we will have no choice but to take it out and just ask everyone to bring their own coffee. Thank you all for your attention.

Human Resources

Blinded by the Fright

Dear All,

Due to safety concerns, wearing of sunglasses inside company premise is not allowed. If you are required to wear sunglasses due to medical reasons, please provide a certification from your doctor.

Eyesore

When you have occasion to go to the storage closets in the hallway, the conference room, or Jim's office, please be sure to close the closet door when you're finished. When you walk in at reception and look left or right, it's an eyesore if those doors are left open and we want to present as good a picture as possible to anyone entering the office.

Stop Now!

Twice already today I've removed an empty coffee pot off of a hot burner, with the little remaining coffee burning into the bottom of the pot. I don't know who is behaving so negligently, shamefully and dangerously, but it's time for this to stop and STOP NOW.

If you can find your way to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, you can figure out how to remove the empty pot from the burner and turn the burner off.

(I'm not even going to suggest that what you really should do is make a fresh pot of coffee for the next person - I'm sure that would be far beyond your scope of concern for your fellow workers.)

Soap

Would whoever removed the soap bottle from the small bathroom please return it.
Thanks.

Note: She refused to replace the stolen soap until I finally took the bottle of Dawn dishwashing liquid from the kitchen and put it in the bathroom.

Kitchen

It was very unkind and very unfriendly of whoever left their dirty cups and dishes cluttering the tiny kitchen counter and their serving tray covering the trash container in the big kitchen. When I use the kitchen, I leave it so that someone else can come in and use it without having to clean up my mess! I'd appreciate the same consideration from you - and I'm sure your other co-workers would also appreciate the same consideration.

Subject: Air Freshener in Bathroom off Kitchen

Someone keeps removing the air freshener from the plug in the bathroom off of the kitchen and leaves it lying on the sink.

Today, it was left in such a way that the oil in the freshener leaked out all over the sink.There are air fresheners in all of the bathrooms. These are closed rooms with no windows, and they need help to remain reasonably fresh smelling. Please leave the fresheners plugged in.

If you hear the fresheners making a noise - it's okay. They have a little fan inside that helps to blow the scent into the room and they're operating properly.

If you have a problem with them for some reason, tell me. I tried to find a light and inoffensive scent, but if the scent bothers you, there are many to choose from.

Why bother?

Who among us hasn't been reminded by an office manager cum den mother/father to "PLEASE, whoever you are, press the "clear" button when you are done using the microwave!!!!"? or by the weird lady in Accounts Payable carping about some stolen highlighter pen that apparently had sentimental (emphasis on mental) value? These "friendly reminders" are often dismissed with a "she/he's nuts" but I think that, en masse, they can allow for some good laughs and, dare I say, (yes, I shall) closure.