Don't be so sensitive...

"Shut up. You're stupid! Just open the fucking file!"

--Attorney to his assistant

Clothing Optional Fridays???

Attn: All Staff

It has been decided that, effective immediately, this office will no longer permit casual attire on Fridays. I have received numerous complaints from employees regarding the offensive, revealing "beach" attire worn by female staff members on casual Fridays. This is a professional environment and we must all dress in a manner that reflects this. From now on, all employees are required to dress as they would (should) all week.

Holiday Gift Exchange

The annual holiday party will be held on Thursday, December 22 in the conference room at 2pm. If you would like to participate in the secret gift exchange, let me know by tomorrow (Monday) at 4pm. I would like to remind you that gifts should not exceed $20. If you can find something for around $10, even better!!

Delicate Matter.

Gentlemen:

We have an ongoing problem in the men's room that needs to be addressed. C**** has put up a sign in the restrooms advising us to use the exhaust fan and the air freshner when it is needed. However, one delicate subject wasn't brought up. There have been almost daily occurences of the contents of the toilet bowl being splashed back up onto the toilet seat, the toilet rim, and the top of the bowl. While it may not be apparent as it is happeneing, it becomes very apparent when the seat is lifted by the next person who then discovers the mess that has been left. It is not only unsightly and nauseating, but also unhealthy. It isn't fair to the next person in to have to take it upon himself to clean up after whomever has left the mess; no one would want to have to take on such an unsanitary task. Therefore, starting on Monday, the mens room will be stocked with flushable wipes that should be used to clean the seat/rim/underside of the seat as needed.This means that after using the toilet, please lift the seat and examine the area for unsightly residue or backsplash and use the flushable wipes if needed. We all have to share this mens room and we all have to share in the upkeep of its cleanliness and sanitation.

Thanks.R***

Tell it to your shrink!

Dear Over-share,

We work together. Get it? The same company employs us. We walk on the same piece of carpet every day. This is where our relationship ends. We’ve never had a beer together. We’ve never seen a movie, gone to happy hour, spent any amount of time together beyond our 9-5 workday. So why do you feel the need to share the most intimate details of your life with me?

Do I need you to stop by my office and ask me if I ever deal with a “discharge”, complete with description of consistency and color, punctuated with hand motions? No! Do I need to hear about how sweaty you get “down there” when you wear skirts on hot days? No!

Do I need to know how your ex-boyfriend rates you on a scale of 1-10 for your sexual prowess? No! Am I at all interested that he thinks your BJ technique needs some work, especially when you follow it up with an explicit description of your current method? No!

Please stop. For a while we, your coworkers, contented ourselves with emailing each other Over-share stories. Then we emailed friends outside the workplace and told Over-share moments at parties. But now we just feel gross. And we’re starting to resent you.

Sincerely,
Fed Up Co-Worker

Forgive me father, for I have sinned...

All Staff,

You are all aware of the problem of yesterday afternoon in the stairwell to the parking lot. We believe this was the doing of a tresspasser. However, if an employee is responsible for this act, please seek employment elsewhere.

Human Resources

Good communication skills? Priceless.

I'd like to thank whoever used the microwave after Carla left on Friday - or perhaps it was over the weekend - and whatever you were microwaving exploded inside the microwave. It was really thoughtful of you to leave all the mess in the microwave so that I could have the pleasure of cleaning it up when I arrived this morning.